Cleanse, Cleanse, Cleanse

Getting back into the groove of things after returning home from a vacation is never easy. Between the hassle of unpacking, reconfiguring of priorities, and recovering from jetlag, making healthy food choices is the last thing on my mind.*

 

*I had frozen Costco pizza drowned in ranch
followed by a whole pint of Häagen Dasz coffee ice cream
for dinner four nights in a row,
throwing a pair of chimichangas in here and there
and snacking on handfuls of chocolate-covered almonds
when I was feeling extra gluttonous.

 

Needless to say, my cravings and eating habits were

out

                             of

           c      o n     t  r o   l.

Balance and moderation were never (and will never be) defining qualities for me. But it was bad.

Not only had I been over-eating, I’d been under-exercising (aka not exercising at all, unless walking to the fridge to grab a snack or two counts). My body hated me, and I felt it every morning trying to squeeze into my black skinny jeans. The tan I had acquired from spending a week imitating a starfish on the beach in the Bahamas kept me under the illusion that I was still toned and in-shape—but the fabric of my clothing reminded me that seams don’t lie. So, I decided that I would try a juice cleanse to get myself back on track to feeling comfortable in my own skin again. And because I’m a sucker for packaging, I decided to go with Pressed Juicery.

***Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Pressed Juicery and this post is not sponsored in any way, shape or form. Ya girl had to fork over the green for the green juices and wrote this post out of green-spiration. Okay I’m going to stop now.***

Pressed Juicery has three different juice cleanses: Cleanse 1 (for first-time cleansers), Cleanse 2 (for those who want to maintain a healthy lifestyle), and Cleanse 3 (for experienced cleansers/green juice lovers).

To avoid redundancy, information on their cleanses can be found here.

Me being the impatient bloated potato that I am, went straight for Cleanse 3, even though it was my very first time trying a juice cleanse (let alone any type of cleanse/detox/diet), and even though I strongly dislike(d) green juice. I wanted to feel better, quicker — and in that sense, Cleanse 3 was the most promising of the three.

For three whole days, my body was filled with nothing but juice and premeditated misery. I dreamt of eating ramen on the first night, and stuffing my face with chocolate on the second. My cravings and dreams were so intense that I had to ask my boyfriend whether I had actually broken the juice cleanse and eaten those things. But even that couldn’t wholly eradicate the lingering doubt that I had already failed.

It was a struggle. More-so mentally than physically, tbh.

Sure, I was hungry and my stomach grumbled a few times, but that was nothing in comparison to the headaches that greeted me every morning when I woke up. It felt like I was hungover (but on juice) — and this is where I probably should have followed recommendations and opted for Cleanse 1.

Oops.                             

I had read that the second day was the hardest, but for me personally, the first day was the worst. I lost count of the number of times I was tempted to put off the cleanse, or just give it up completely and eat a chimichanga. The second day was nothing more than a haze, and the third I survived through sheer perseverance.

But I made it! And here are my results:

  • I didn’t go into this trying to lose any weight, but I ended up losing 3 lbs. Most likely water weight, if I had to guess.
  • My body doesn’t feel as rejuvenated as I had initially hoped, but it doesn’t feel like it hates me anymore either, which is a win in my book.
  • My cravings for junk food and frozen foods have surprisingly decreased in intensity, although I’m sure I’ll still end up grabbing a brownie from Starbucks tomorrow afternoon. Fingers crossed that I won’t.

 

But do I feel cleansed?

Kind of? But not particularly.

Was it the worst thing in the world?

Not by a long shot.

Would I do it again?

Considering that it costs $129-$150 and I don’t feel like Kendall Jenner on a bad day, probably not.

 

If you’re thinking about going on a juice cleanse, do yourself a favor and go buy a blender. I’m fairly certain that green juices (without any sort of sweeteners) are straight up grassy across the board. But if you like green juices, more power to ya!

 

No hate to Pressed Juicery or juice cleanse junkies — but words cannot express how excited I am to say goodbye to juice and welcome food back into my life with an open mouth and a very empty stomach.

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